The Bitter Ben(d)

Those who know me well will tell you that I'm a super normal dude. I've had a largely mediocre life, with just the right amount of drama. I'm interested in normal things the normal amount, I don't stand out in crowds, and I react to the world around me exactly the way society would expect.

So, imagine my surprise when I found out that the life I live is, in fact, not the run-of-the-mill existence I had thought, and that I have been living a reality entirely removed from those around me.

It all started when I told the very normal story of me ripping my pants as a teenager while at a youth dance. The story was funny, the jokes were landing, and everything seemed great. The story wrapped up and I said the line that would change my life forever.

"It was probably the worst time I've ripped my pants."

The laughter stopped. The room turned on me, hyenas ready for the kill.

"Wait, this has happened to you multiple times?" The cackling laughs didn't even sound human anymore.

"Yeah, of course, but this was the worst one."

The hyenas grew louder. "How often are you ripping your pants? That's crazy!"

A creeping fear entered my mind as I realized I was surrounded by strangers. The facade was gone. The human experience I thought I shared with friends was cast aside, as, with cruel brutality, I was informed that my unfortunate habit of ripping my pants at least once a year was NOT something common.

"Wait," I began, "this can't be unique. Nobody here has ripped their pants? Ever?"

A few soft voices said they may have done it once, or they knew someone who had, but that it was one of the rarest things for a person to experience.

My vision narrowed. I felt myself hit the floor. The prayer that left my lips asked for a final mercy: that my jeans wouldn't rip as my knees made contact with an unforgiving carpet. Tears streamed down my face, mourning my absolute isolation in the universe.

"No.... I can't be alone in this. What sort of life are you living that your pants don't rip? Where do you source your denim?"

It was too late. The hyenas had me surrounded, and I was going to die alone.

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In other news, this picture from 10 years ago popped up in my google photos, so that's fun.

- Ben